The work Christmas party

Just over a week ago, I attended my work's Christmas party which had a 1980's theme to it.

I have to say- it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed every moment of it.

There was a lot of food and alcohol and being able to let my hair down was a massive difference to being so high strung. 

I long for those days where I'm just a lot of fun and not a ball of stress and worries.

Maybe that should be my goal for 2016!

So this was Christmas

This Christmas holiday season has probably been one of the hardest for me.

The past 5 years, I have been spending it with my ex and his annoyingly idiotic family.

I had somewhere to go and somethingng to complain about each year. 

It's hard when your own family don't celebrate Christmas or that this time of the year makes me feel even lonelier.

It really exacerbates the problem.

I tried remembering what life used to be like before my ex. What did i do with all the Christmas' before that? Can't remember. 

This year was also a non event but i struggled with the sadness.

Oh well...

I truly hoped everybody else had a wonderfull Christmas.

The ace of swords

The ace of swords  is about facing your fear and doing it anyway. It's about new beginnings...

It would be nice if I could begin again with work, life and romance.

Nonetheless-

Today  I went to get my usual facial, that in itself was a bad idea considering it's almost Christmas and the parking situation at any of the major shopping centres is terribly hectic.

It took me almost 30minutes just go get out.

Felt extremely frustrated. 

I don't know how people manage to do it. 

Gang Christmas rush is crazy

Losing some weight time

I forgot to draw a card this morning...but I survived.

Had aqua aerobics and my legs are now super sore. 

I've decided as of tomorrow, other than having the last of my yoghurt, I will go pales/dukan style diet. I want to desperately lose my winter/last 5 years of unnecessary weight.

Let's see how all of this goes

The three of cups

So the card I picked out today is the 3 of cups.

Which apparently means "a joyous reunion"- it doesn't necessarily mean your getting back with your ex but something about meeting someone or something that you haven't visited for sometime.

Speaking of which- I did catch up with one of my closest girlfriends today who I had not seen for almost 2 weeks.

We did  have a fantastic time together where we over ate and did a lot of shopping...

So now I'm broke.

The hierophant

So my card for today was the heirophant.

Apparently this is the card about struggling with an "issue" and just doing the right thing. You apparently know the answer as its there within you. You just need to listen to yourself.

If I try to relate this to myself. My issue bus my ex. Knowing that he's moved on with his dandy life and I'm stuck in this rut hole trying to deal with the after math sucks.

But it's not to say that I don't have plans or goals. I do- and I need to use this to push my way forward and move on without him in my life.

I can do this!

On another note- I've decided not to go to Vietnam for a few more years. The last 2 times have been with my ex and I really don't want to be staying in the same bedroom as I usually do when I stay with my aunt. Partly because the room creeps me out but the major part is because it's the same room that I shared with my ex.

I'm strong enough to deal with life currently but not strong enough nor crazy enough to torment myself.

Speaking of Vietnam, it was this time last year where my ex and I had embarked on our honeymoon. Seriously, where did we go wrong?

Anyway, so I have decided that as of tomorrow- I'll be be booking my holidays to Japan! How super exciting!

Maybe the card was about my holiday- who knows.

Tarot cards

So I brought a deck of tarot cards. I have always been interested in cards. Fascinated by them and being able to do a reading.

Do I think they can tell the future- who knows. No one can say that it can't. It's interesting.

My only problem is that I never know what the cards mean.

Someone suggested that I pull a card each day and make note of what the card means....

So as part of my posts- even if I have nothing left to say- this will be my diary.

I also bought this angel deck. I'm fascinated by the artwork- it's so morbid but yet so me.

The best thing is that it's really inspiring stuff- more or less it's for people going through a breakup and giving you something inspirational. Bet you didn't see that coming.

Haven't done moving on

It's been almost 9mths I think since we broke up. There are days where I feel like I've successfully moved on. 

But who am I kidding? The reality is I still think about my ex a lot. Constantly going over moments that we had shared. There's a lot of history. I mean it was almost 5 years together. 

We had loved each other enough to want to get married even though looking back now even I realise that we had issues and problems that we should have addressed but didn't. 

That was my own stupidity and stubbornness.

And I do think about all the things I wish I had done better or treated him better and rehashing a lot of moments. Every moment that I can never change unfortunately.

I think the biggest bite has to be knowing that he's moved on with his life, move interstate, new job....

And frankly- my life is stagnant. 

Nothing has been happening.

I try to convince myself that I've improved, I got a promotion and have a daily routine which combines a lot of exercise and I feel much healthier.

But if I'm honest, I really wished I could share these achievements with my husband. A husband of course who no longer loves me.

That's the reality that bites.

I spent this morning crying over this fact.

And as much as I can't believe that almost 9mths on there are these tears. I can't help the way I feel.

In truth, as much as I hate him, I love him too. A part of me will never be able to stop loving him. He was the one I chose to want to spend the rest of my life with forever. Through my own selfishness and blindness it wasn't meant to be.

I don't want to live with regret, so I try to look back on all of this, the past 5 years as a lesson in life.

It's been a painful lesson to live through but I know it will make me emotionally tougher and be a better person to whoever I met one day.

But for now, as there is no one and I doubt that I will ever find someone ( do you know how difficult it is finding a single male), I can only spend my days remisnicing of what my life used to be like and be thankful that it happened.

I know

You know when you go snooping for stuff and then you get the result that you weren't expecting or what you find out just blows your mind away that just ruins your day.

Yeah- that happened to me today.

I found out what my ex does now for a living and where he is basically residing.

A part of me was sad because I didn't get to bask in the glory but happy because he's finally out of that terrible workplace.

I felt somewhat inadequate but then realised I, too have moved on and have had better career opportunities whether I liked it or not.

So we are equal in that aspect.

I feel like my life romantically hasn't moved on and it's become stagnant and stale.

I wanna desperately move on and be with someone new and share new adventures with whom ever that maybe.

Finding him is another issue.

But anywhoo- I'm glad I know now what happened to my ex. That's now 3 guys in a row where they felt like they needed to either live/work interstate or overseas. I'm that person!

*sigh*

Not neglecting

I feel like I've been neglecting my blog but I know it's not the case.

Man- sometimes I work with the most dumbest people and there are times when I work with people who try to be super evasive. It's super annoying.

Gahhhh still pissed off by idiots.