In my thoughts

Yesterday I started to feel depressed about my ex. 

I was at my Aqua aerobics class trying to focus and all I could think of was my ex husband.

It wasnt even about anything in particular just a lot of random thoughts. I don't care what he does or what he gets up to. Thankfully he's literally disappeared from my life.

But it's still sad nonetheless. Like a thought occurred to me that although I managed to move out of the family home- here I am back here. It's like I can never seem to escape this place.

Or when people I know who are having babies. Although at this stage I believe that's not what I want to do or have. I know that is a part of life that I'll be missing out on.

Kind of like how I'm missed out on graduating because I've been lazy with uni  and dropped out when I should have pursued it to the end.although I wouldn't have been able to score any work to begin with.

It's these life choices that I've made or have been made for me that I just need to come to terms with. Whether I like it or not or agree with it.

Anyway, so I was randomly trying to suppress these thoughts to no avail. I just can't wait until the day comes when my ex is a distant memory and he doesnt bug me in my thoughts.

Life's shit sometimes  

Goodbye old phone

You know how I normally post using my android phone.... Well this has been typed up using my brand new iPhone 6plus (s version).

It's a pain to convert from android to Apple although there's meant to be an app that makes your life easier where you can transfer a lot of your data but true to Linda form, this just wasn't the case.

I am fond of the Apple product because let's face it- the one thing they do get right is simplicity and making it easy for the average user. Things just work and aren't so complicated as they normally are on an android.

You can give an 80 year any Apple product and they would pretty much be able to use it.

The same apps on android just run better on the iPhone and funnily enough- even googles owned blogger works better  on the iPhone then on the android.... And Google owns the android platform.

Anyway-so far I am loving the phone...it was a fantastic upgrade!

Teams last day

Today is the last day for our team.

The team got disbanded and most of my colleagues were made redundant. Fortunately for many of them they were rehired but the company we engaged to take on the outsourcing services.
However there are a few who failed at their interviews.

Its a bittersweet moment.
There are a select few in the team that i loved working with but there were a few who were extraordinarily frustrating to deal with.
But thats work.

Today will be a day of no work.... morning tea then lunch.

How exciting

Getting sick again

Im starting to feel run down again.
At the beginning of this month, i was sick. In bed for 4 days and wished death came sooner.

I recovered

And now i have a sore throat.

*sigh*

On a random note:
-my mum told that her 3rd cousin( i think thats how we are related) mother in law died. She was 89.
I think I met the woman when I was younger but have no recollection of her in my adult years.

Why she needs to tell me these useless facts- ill never know.
I mean its not like i personally know her or will attend the funeral.

Im not sure what i was supposed to do with that info.

On a totally different subject:

The current wind is terrible. Its so noisy. Going to be an interesting night ahead for some people I think.

The way forward

I think to myself... maybe one day Ill meet another guy who will become my boyfriend.

The word boyfriend in itself seems so bizarre. Makes me feel like im 16, except when I was 16 there always seemed to be a lot more available suitors. At 31... its slim pickings.

As Im getting older, with all the different experiences ive had with dating and my recent and impending divorce with my ex, im weary about any relationship ill end up having in the future.

I certainly realize now that single life is absolutely fantastic. Not having to give a shit about anyone other than myself is a selfish feeling that only I get to enjoy. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to go to dinner and watch movies with but relationships are embedded with complications.

I would have to learn to deal with other people again, and take in considerations of someone elses perception of me, of the things i do and the impact i have on them and the people they are connected to.
A simple task isnt as simple as it looks.

Right now, in my single life- i can take the risks or not take any risks and the only person i disappoint is effectively myself.

Frankly, ive started to live the lifestyle of learning to love myself and doing whatever i feel like on my terms without any qualms or having to worry about anyone else.

Its a great feeling to have- where your life isnt so much dictated to you or having to compromise to keep two people happy.
Lets face it- nobody wins in a compromise.

If anything- ive learnt to come accustomed to this newprofound freedom and this life ive started to live.

And meeting someone new- at this stage, doesnt look something im all that interested in. Especially with the fact that my goal now is to study and complete my bachelor of business so that one day i can pursue my current career overseas.

I never thought id ever want to do anything like that but here i am.

I believe a relationship would definitely dampen that and obviously make life complicated.

Having being emotionally crushed once, also doesnt help and frankly the next guy, if he ever did come along- would have to offer something special.

I wouldnt give up this lifestyle or still want to pursue my goals.

But im pretty sure with my lack of going out, more exercising at the gym and being an office creature- theres close to no chance of meeting anyone.

Which means Im probably safe....for now

The damage done

So this happened to my car...

Some bozo decided to key my car.

Am I angry? YES.

BUT im also over it. Being angry doesn't fix the damage.

I just hope the perps get caught and that they have ability to fix the damage to tje car.

All this is a real inconvenience.

Thanks to whoever...

No regrets- you have been deleted

I liberated my Facebook by deleting my ex husband and all of his friends from my friends list.

I should have done this months ago but i clearly didn't have the willpower to do so.

I was already at that stage anyway when I had restricted the feed that they saw.

But it was only on the drive home where I thought- hey, what use do I need to have them on my facebook? I dont want to see the newsfeed of what goes on in their lives or pretend to care.

Nor do I want to see happy photos of my ex moving on.

Frankly- it would make me somewhat jealous but I need to be able to focus on my own life and be able to be happy with myself.
I cant do that if I have the ability to stalk my past because Im not living in the present.

I no longer have my ex on my fb, whatsapp and his number has been deleted from my phone.

I just hope with time, ill forget the number from my memory.

I just want to move on- and so I am

Do you Zumba?

This morning I attended my first zumba class.
The last time I participated in zumba would have been almost 4 years ago.
I couldn't remember if I liked it or not but I figured it must not have been that bad because if I had hated it- Id remember.

Wanting to increase my weekly exercise regime- it turned out the only aerobics class available in my area on a Sunday that wasnt going to break the bank was zumba.

It was an interesting experience. In the beginning, I was struggling, but I thought to myself- considering there are older women there and watching them being able to do it meant that I needed to lift my game.

It was a small class in a smallish room so the instructor didnt have to wear a microphone set. Instead of yelling out thw moves or words of encouragement- we just watched her move and copied.
I found that to be more ideal. Something to get accustomed to- I mean how many times do you go to an aerobics class and have them yell at you with stuff like "come guys lift those legs" etc etc. It can get super annoying.

By the end of the hour, I was extremely tired, sweaty but feeling good.

I also decided that zumba was going to be  part of my weekly exercise regime.

Look before you park

I had an interesting night catching up with friends on friday night.

One of my girlfriends had parked in one the car park buildings and I had decided to walk her to her car and she would drive me back to mine as I had parked on the street.

Turns out- she didnt look at the signs properly and the car park had closed at 10pm. We got there at 11.00pm.
They had a $125 callout fee.

Lucky for her, there had been other people there and the security guards were quite nice who had waived the fee and let us in to retrieve her car.

Her $15 parking somehow turned out to be $37. Needless to say- still better than having to also pay $125 penalty fee.

It was an interesting experience nonetheless.

I wonder how many people get caught out like this.

Your meal stinks

People have some funky meals for lunch.

The worst ones are fish related meals that get reheated in the microwave.
For the love of God, why on earth would you torture your fellow colleagues that way?

It happened this week where someone reheated their dinner for lunch.
Fish stinks.

Whats  just as bad as fish meals is someone reheating eggs. Why would anyone do that?
A reheated egg smells like dirty old fart.

Thinking about it even makes me wanna puke.

Some people take "leftovers" to a new level.

Double classes

Im proud of myself...
Today not only did I do a 30min quick session at the gym. I also did 2 classes of the aqua aerobics.

I'm not actually sore but feeling super pumped and mentally fantastic.

Like Ive said before- im not sure why I didnt do this sooner.

In my first aqua class, a lady asked me why I didnt take up the membership..part of my problem is that usually when I sign up to something- i dont end up doing it anymore. So better to pay a little extra than paying for something I wont use.
She also asked me why I was doing a double class, and whether it was for an upcoming event.

I responded with: just doing it for the sake of trying to be healthy, a lifestyle change.
I mean- must it be for some upcoming event?
Well- having a goal is great but not specific. I find that when im forced to do something for an event- the stress of not achieving gets to me that I give up altogether.

Id like to think that the path Im taking is really for a lifestyle change where im exercising to better myself and get fit.

It also helps to do the things that I enjoy and I really love aqua aerobics. Its the one thing I look forward to twice a week. So much so that Im wanting to do double classes in one night.

My 20s was about relationship mistakes,bad employment choices, terrible education decisions and getting fat.

My 30s will be redefined as a new era.
To start off with: im going to be fitter and leaner and work it out as I go along

Baby shower

Having attended a baby shower today reaffirmed my belief that Im never going to have children.

Personally, I have consciously missed the boat on several occasions. Sometimes I look back and they hurt slightly but then again, how would I have coped as a single mother. Not well.

It was an awkward baby shower, for me anyway because many of the women I had met today, had met me when I was gushing over my engagement to my now ex husband.

Obviously the next time, we met up again, we have now gone on a different route altogether.
But obviously they werent to know and tje inevitable question of my ex spouse naturally came up which made everybpdy else around me slightly awkward.
And that has become my life as such these days- being around people who feel awkward what would naturally be a normal question.

Nonetheless it was overall a pleasant baby shower. Lots of gifts and plenty of food.

And for a woman of 31- i find my cluckiness has stopped. Maybe its because of this divorce, maybe its age. I know I am mentally preparing myself to come to terms that, I myself will never have children. I AM PERFECTLY OKAY WITH THIS.
Why that had to be in caps, no idea.

But its nice when other people have babies.

The red jacket guy

Yesterday I attended  choir concert in North Melbourne,supporting a fellow colleague who was on the all male choir.
I LOVED every minute of it. The singing was fantastic.

Afterwards we headed towards the pub that was down the road.
The moment I walked in, a guy in a red jacket basically couldnt stop staring at me. I felt somewhat self conscious and awkward. Once I ordered my drink, he proceeded to ask me...
"Whats your heritage"... yup- that was the lame pickup line used. Once I responded, he didn't even believe me asking "really? Really?", so I ignored him and got our group a table.

It didnt go unnoticed, my group gave me a lot of grief because the guy kept turning around to stare.
And when he left, he turned around apparently twice to look at me again.

Dont get me wrong, i was very flattered. Ive never gone out to a bar/pub and have anyone actively check me out. This is the first.

It is bit of a confidence booster...
Although awkward- still nice that someone is noticing me.

Caught a cold

Ive been sick and it hasn't been fun.

The constant coughing has been driving me absolutely insane. To the point where I have been losing a lot of sleep.

I'm not sure who gave it to me but it has been a nuisance.

Ive missed out on all of my usual gym and mandarin classes.

But you know whats worse than just getting sick? Getting your period and being sick.

Always the freakin worse...

Anyway, i found this very funny although very irrelevant to this post. But who cares.

Meet Charlie

This is Charlie, my 3 year old Pug/Poodle. He doesn't look like a pug or a poodle. But no matter!
I love him all the same.

Charlie has been the most loyal dog I've ever owned- slightly deranged but that's okay.
He's super friendly if you happen to be human, deranged if you happen not to be human. He dislikes other dogs and animals in general.

He wasn't socialised properly as a pup and the problem has exacerbated as he got older. In saying this, he tolerates the 2 other dogs and cat that also lives with him.

He's been there for me through thick and thin. When I've been alone in that house, crying to myself- he was one that that comforted me during those God awful times.
He stayed by my side, licked my hand when I needed him to and stayed by the bathroom door whilst I got ready each morning.

Charlie- has been a blessing for me.

I didn't know it then- when I bought him home as a puppy but it would turn out to be the best decision I'd ever make in my life- to date.
Without him, I don't know exactly how I would have coped in the last 6 months.

He may be a dog, but to me, he's been my rock, my everything... and yes- he may slightly be ever spoilt. But how can I not?

the surname

When I first got married, I quickly changed all of my identification to reflect my married name.

Now that we're separating, it's become an issue.

Do I keep my married name? Or do I change?

Changing over was a pain in the backside in the first place.

Not only did I organize my passport, medicare card, driver's licence, it also affected my insurances, phone plans etc.

The only thing stopping me from changing back to my maiden name is the fact that in less than 2 years, I had organized a passport change, and had to reapply to the Vietnamese Embassy for a 5 year visa. That in itself was a painful process.

To have to do that again would drive me insane.

If I don't plan to go back to Vietnam in the next 4 years, I think it should be okay but if I do, I would once again be inconvenienced having to re-apply again after changing back to my maiden name. All of this would once again cost me time and money.

I'm also hesitant in requesting another Visa from the Vietnamese government as that would mean 3 visas in less than 2 years. I'm sure that's a red flag somewhere.

I also do not fancy waiting in queues at the Post Office to get a new passport or a new medicare card. In fact, lining up at VicRoads isn't exactly appetising either.

In fact, just getting my marriage certificate was a traumatising experience in itself. I waited 1.5hrs in a long line of people who also decided they wanted some legal documentation as well- I can only imagine what its going to be like waiting at VicRoads/Medicare/Bank etc etc.

And so, from a working/social media perspective- I still use my maiden name. 

Legally- for now, I have kept my married name.

That will do for now

Children

I just read this rubbish article found on theage.com:

http://m.theage.com.au/national/the-women-who-chose-to-go-childfree-and-then-regret-it-20151030-gkmuk5.html

If you havent read it, its about women who have made a life choice for whatever reason not to bear children and that some of them go on to regret this life decision.

Human instinct is to have children. Its how we ensure that we dont become a extinct race.
The great news is that our species wont be extinct anytime soon, not unless we kill the planet we live on or the sun dies out.

Society expects women to have children.
Even though raising children is difficult, expensive and frankly a lot of angst, anger anf frustration caused in the later years.

The first 10 years seem like the peaceful years and thats what everyone likes but then you hit puberty and... well- ask yourself, what were you like to your parents? Was it smooth sailing all the way through? Or were you a complete asshole that only became better as you got a lot older?

When people talk about parenthood and joys of it, they are discussing the joys of children not teenagers or the nightmare of adult children.

Like the article and people in general, they assume that you will miss out when you are old, into you 70s and beyond.

Heres something that people dont realize.
When you are old, your adult children and grandchildren arent going to be spending a lot of time with you. If they do- theres a likelihood its because you are theit babysitter.

Sounding negative? Your kids most likely be working, your grandkids are at school. They would visit some weekends not every weekend: think about sports/music commitments.

And when you are too old, and you cant drive around and you need care, where do you think you'll go? To your childs home? To be natured and taken care of like you did to them when they were little?

Living in Australia, the likelihood is into a home. how often do you think they will visit you? Whatever you think it is, half that amount- if they visit more often- you are lucky.

Personally I volunteer at an aged care facility. Most families visit weekly, but for a few hours at a time, there are some who dont visit at all.

Which then begs the question- if you children and the end result is that you will end up in a nursing home anyway- where you didnt need children to make these decisions as you can make them yourself... whats the point? More so if they become so distant and cold towards you and never visit?

Especially if its only a great 10 years and then it goes downhill from there? You can build just as great relationships with people making friends and better connections, living the life without feeling encumbered.

And articles like this- making people feel bad for making a different choice in life- annoy me because...
Children are not necessarily the answer.