The dumbest thing I could do was look up my ex's profile pic on whatsapp.
Theres a fine photo of him where hes lost a decent amount of weight and looking very happy.
Being reasonably overweight myself...it crushes me slightly.
Although yesterday I told my girlfriend that I was perfectly okay and wished him all the best. Im not so sure.
A part of me still hurts.
:(
Why do I do this to myself.
I am now into my third week of exercising.
Whats impressive is that this is also my second week of aqua class.
I have been enjoying working out at the gym. I try to keep my sessions short so that I don't make myself hate it.
I cant say for sure that any weight loss has occured but I can say that my muscles are hurting and it looks like Im starting to tone and get some muscle definition.
so that I dont disappoint myself, im not using the scale per se to measure weight loss. Im just hoping that eventually my clothes get looser. You know the whole- muscle can sometimes weigh more than fat.
One things for sure, the daily exercise is helping me de-stress from work.
Emptying out my mind from the daily struggle with work and life in general.
Sometimes i ask myself why I didn't do this sooner. But its still better than not doing anything at all.
Today marks 5 years since my ex and I dated.
It is a bittersweet moment.
It doesn't hurt thinking about it.
Its a milestone we just couldnt reach. It was my longest relationship...ill take that.
But I look forward to my new chapter in life without my ex.
I love using the function on facebook where you can view all of your posts that occurred "this time last year" for subsequent years. Its called "on this day".
I am a frequent facebook updater so its turned out to be a great function to see where I was in the past.
It just so happens that this day 3 years ago my ex husband had proposed to me on a flight from Melb to sydney.
Had someone told me back then that it would end up in tears, I probably would not believe them.
It didn't make me sad seeing this on Facebook. In fact, I came to realize even back then we werent right for each other and we just compromised too much. Where we are today is the product of consequences that neither of us wanted to face.
I wasn't even sad or bitter, more or less- i shrugged it off. Having no feeling toqards an event that happened. I feel like finally i am moving away from the complexities of emotional attachment to my ex.
And today was that day that help me realize that.
I know this because i really wish him all the best. In saying this- i wouldnt want to be his friend nor have anything to do with him. In general, as a life rule- i stay away from people who have caused great hurt and pain to my heart and the people around me.
i do however look forward to my future. I want to be able to look back in three years time and see how far Ive gotten with myself.
One thing I am very proud of has been sorting out my finances.
Its the first time ever where I started a second account and put monthly savings. Its not a lot of money but something is better than nothing.
I also created a new credit card to ensure that im not stuck with banking with one institution and then findin myself in trouble when theres an issue with the bank. Its with a 1k limit. This is the amount I restrict myself per month which must include fuel, bills and lunch.
When I was using one account, it was starting to become hard to track money. Now this allows me to spend money wisely.
Theres also a very satisfying feeling of being able to pay your credit card off each month.
I have also started to put more money into my personal loans with the aim to pay everything off in approximately 2.5years.
I look forward to the day where I am debt free.
Even in adversity, there will always be people who will come out better/stronger etc.
One of those people would be me.
It just so happens that come December, i will officially be promoted to a new job title.
Its a bittersweet moment for me. Its great for being recognized for all of my hard work but sad because it happened on the back of people being made redundant.
Such is life.
One of the hardest things Ive had to endure this year has been constantly watching my fellow colleagues being made redundant from their jobs for various reasons.
The job uncertainty has been bothering me but its has also been a great distraction from my romantic lovelife or lack thereof.
I can understand the business decisions that have been made but at the end of tje day, this is at a cost to someones career and livelihood which always difficult.
Ive watched countless people cry, get upset,angry and become very bitter.
These situations are never good but everyone I know who has been affected have been able to move onto better jobs.
Its the people who are left behind to figure out how best to manage large gaps of other peoples stupid decisions.
Its going to be a tough time ahead. Something im definitely not looking forward to.
*sigh*
Its been a good weekend.
A combination of exercise, lying in bed watching anime,a birthday party and bowling has made it eventful.
On saturday, I attended my first aqua aerobics class at the Watermarc in Greensborough. It was heaps fun, so much so that im pencilling in permanent Wednesdays and Saturday classes into my diary.
Then i spent the rest of my afternoon watching anime.
Sunday was slightly more eventful where I attended my sisters dog's first birthday. It was weird but hey- any excuse for cake is good enough for me.
A game of bowling followed on- turns out Im not such a bad player. Im consistent and I came first. Was pretty proud when I bowled a strike.
Even did my embarassing victory dance in the middle of a shopping centre.
But i dont care!
One of my sister's friend passed away today.
He was on his way to Adelaide and never made it.
Although I never met this person, I am saddened to know that another person has died on the roads.
Im not sure as to what caused the accident, as the family are going to formally identify the body of their loved one.
It makes you realize that we are not invincible and that mortality is real.
But also the harshness of this reality, the poor mother/father who has just lost their son, oh- that just breaks my heart.
I'm sad.
Words cannot describe how I feel even though I dont know this person, I am touched by his death.
My heart goes out to those who know him, and especially for those who loved him.
He was too young to go - but thats life isn't it?
So cruel and so real.
R.I.P Matt- I hope you are in a better place.
I have to tackle these stairs to get to the gym.
I dont mind stairs. In fact, i have live in a house with a staircase but for some reason, these stairs freak me out.
Always feel like im going to fall over and break my neck.
Its not a very inviting stair case is it?
I had a dream that I went to a work christmas party and we were having buffet food.
The food was so god foresakingly awful that it woke me up from my dream.
Yes, bad food does scare me but work oriented dreams are the worse.
I dream about work so much its starting to become unhealthy.
Gahhhh
Nothing gets me more irritated when I sign up for something and then I find out that theres a better deal the following month.
Last month, I signed up with a credit card and now the same company ia advertising a much better deal.
Why why why?
How super annoying
I had all the right intentions. Set up my alarm for 5.30am start. Hoping to hit the gym then get ready for work.
If never eventuated.
I did however spend 30minutes at lunch going for a brisk walk then after work spend another 30minutes at the gym.
Hi-5 to myself.
Yup i am very proud of myself. Cannot believe I've gone to the gym on my own accord
Thats the first step... but now to maintain it.
I was reading an article from a vietnamese newspaper ( Viet Luan) and was appalled by the sexist questions posed at a female celebrity.
The question was: "does it make you anxious/self conscious dating someone younger than you". Yes the celeb was in her 50s but cmooooonnnn.
That style of question never gets asked of it were a 50yo man dating a 30yo.
But the minute a woman dates someone younger the question comes up.
She probably wasn't self conscious before because if it was a problem clearly she wouldnt have dated the guy and frankly if enough morons asked that kind of question naturally you will be made self conscious because idiots dont know when to stfu.
And so- i stopped reading.
Trashy paper with stupid questions.
Melbourne weather is amazing...
Its 29 degrees, its humid and we just had some crazy rain fall.
The rain hasnt made the weather any cooler, its just heaps tropical now.
I'm not a fan of humid weather.
And now- im dressed and faced up to go out with some friends.
It's nice to get out of the house every now and again and trying to do something different.
I have my game on- my face game anyway...
My body still needa a bit of work.
But no matter- out to have some fun.
Some days, its tough.
Like im driving home and all of a sudden a wave of emotions hit me and im left feeling empty. I want to cry but i make myself pull it together because I want to get home and out of friday nights traffic.
Its a horrid feeling, im not sure exactly when this will go away and the random outbursts of emotions creep up on me out of nowhere.
Its to be expected. It would have been 5 years since we officially dated and i truly loved him, really believed in our forever after story and i really thought we were happy.
To have the rug pulled from my feet, i think under the circumstances, im doing okay.
I just wished, i could have better control of my emotions but im no robot.
I have to try to distract myself with other thoughts like - imagining myself winning the lottery.
I cant bring myself to think of being with someone else because then i start to feel lonely realizing 6mths on, he's moved on and im still in this emotional rut.
Lifes not fair, but thats how life goes right?
Its okay to think about the lottery, it doesnt make me sad about not winning it because cmon- its the lottery after all. But its my way of coping.
Im waiting for the day where these emotions are long gone, where the thought of him are all gone and where i can control my emotions better without having mini panic attacks driving home from work in despair.
Not to long ago i sent this to a friend...she didnt laugh.
I tell her that when we get to 40, we will still be single and so that it wont be so depressing, we will buy a house together so we can finally move out of home with our 40 cats.
Her response is that i should stick to plan A, and have a plan B and C and that she should be plan Z.
I suspect, at the way my life is panning out and how little i interact with the opposite sex on a social level....
THE CATS R COMING!
This is going to be one of those self reflection posts type thing...so it be a bit depressing but its a great way for me to express myself, and basically get off my chest so that I can move on and lift some burden off my mind(so there will be a few of these along my blogging journey)
Today i spoke to my boss who advised me that i received the standard pay increase( actually i did a lot better than most) and that my promotion and actual pay increase will follow after the new changes are made. That may be a few more weeks yet.
The irony with this is this is exactly what my ex husband had wanted for me but at the time when I was with him, it wasnt what I was seeking. I just wanted a basic job that i could clock on and off with minimal stress, basically i figured id be on maternity leave so it wouldnt matter what i did or how much i got paid.
Its even more ironic, that I also achieved in attaining my agents representative accreditation after our relationship ended.
But hey- shit happens.
It almost feels like this is where I need to be in life. I may not have initially wanted this or asked for any of this but life does have an interesting way of changing your view of whats important.
For me, right now- it's this career that i am slowly developing.
In light of my previous post about how my life has become one big boring blur, and my other post about goals of things I want to eventually achieve.
I figured I should list things I want to do/visit and what I want in life for the next 12mths-24mths because I want to get out of life as much as I can.
Places Id like to visit:
1. Puffing billy, someone once promised to take me but that not eventuated.
2. Visit the Barossa Valley
3. Spend a weekend at the Grampians
4. Go to wilsons prom for the weekend however if this involves camping then forget it.
5. Stay at one of the luxury hotels in Torquay for a weekend
6. Go to New Zealand
7. Go to Japan
8. Watch the singapore F1.
9. Go to Attica
10. Go skiing at one of the Victorian ski resorts.
11. Go to mt buller for the weekend during summer.
I would like to set targets for myself to:
1. Stop drinking coca-cola in general
2. Drink at least 2 liters of water a day
3. Start waking up at 5.30am and go to the gym
4. Gym at least 3 times a week
5. Join a team sport
6. Go to the golf range to hit some balls
7. Join either a kick boxing/krav magna(is that how you spell it)/ self defence class
8. Swim at least twice a week
9. Minimize to 1 cheat meal at one of the fast food places ( i.e maccas)
10. walk the dog at least once a week.
11. Attend all 10 mandarin classes and re-enrol into the next semester
I read somewhere that once you hit your 30s, you should start saving and exercising more. Ive started the saving money part but exercise is still a bit of a problem.
I spent my 20s eating a lot of crap and gaining 30kgs(no kidding).
Im realistic, i know its almost impossible go lose 30kgs but I do want to be healthy because I dont want to spend my 40s and 50s with health problems.
With these small goals or expectations of what I would like myself to do. I think it will make a difference to my otherwise boring life.
Wish me luck!
My life has now become a boring cycle. Actually it was always pretty boring before my seperation except I had someone to be bored with.
But its still a cycle no doubt.
I wake up, I go to work. I get pissed off at work because I deal with a lot of idiots. Leave work reasonably late, go home, have some dinner then sleep.Then repeat.
When it gets to the weekend, these days its much of the sameness. Wake up and watch tv/youtube videos of chinese/korean drama or anime.
Then working week happens again.
Occasionally I might have some event to go to however thats more of irregular thing but thats my life.
Now its just me and my all consuming work life.
I think Ill look back and realize my 30s was scaringly boring
I had my first ever Mandarin class today with ACCS.
I am enrolled into 10 weeks worth of classes at a Level 1 stage. Its extremely basic level.
Today we learnt to count to 10 and a few vocabulary words.
Although this is my first class, I am already enjoying this. The teacher although quite young is very detailed, enthuastic and really good.
Im also impressed with the learning styles.
If I can stick it out for an entire term. My aim would be that within 3 years, I would be able to hold at least a basic conversation. Well that is my goal anyway.
Why am I doing Mandarin classes? It has always been on my bucket list to be able to learn Chinese and I figured why not? Im not doing anything at the moment with my life. Why not go out make some new friends and do something I would hope to enjoy.
I have to start something new in my life and I want to be out of my comfort zone every now and again...rather than the usual daily grind of eat, work and sleep.
Today, i was with a child who had lice. We discovered this after spending the day with them.
And so now, i am sitting here with my hair full of lotion for preventative measures.
Aint nobody got time for lice.
Im not quite sure why we still have head lice in the 21st century and the inability of man being able to eradicate these wretched things.
I remember hearing on the radio about some company with a prototype where they could kill lice and eggs all in one go for good. But its like several years away which means either those lice providing shampoo be very weary or it won't exist at all because these manufacturers will buy out the technology and bury it.
*sigh* until then- lotion then combing it out...
Melbourne has put up some fantastic weather these couple of days. More summer weather than spring. But hey- thats Melbourne. Always expect the unexpected.
With such good warm weather- its either the beach or some water park for me. I hate sand so water park it is.
Unfortunately the Geelong Adventure Park is closed and season doesn't open until later however Funfields is open.
And right now, im sitting on a lounge chair just enjoying the atmosphere with my brother in law whilst my sister and her friends(and his kids are going on rides).
Scoupon have a great deal where adult tickets are 26 instead of 40.
Ahhh don't you love technology?
So, its a beautiful Saturday morning and one of neighbours are having a domestic. How do I know this? I can hear the male yelling out expletives.
This happens every now and again. It seems these people have an extremely volatile relationship.
Always the weekend, and always yelling and screaming at each other.
Only once have I opened up my sliding door to the balcony and yelled at them to STFU. I was young and stupid then... but the 3hrs of constant bickering really bugged me when I was hungover and dying. I wanted go die in peace and not have to listen two idiots scream at each other.
It did stop them for a period of time then months later they were at it again.
And yes- this has been going on for years.
If you are that unhappy and are going to be verbally abusive with each other, save your neighbours the trouble and split.
Just saying.
Guess who passed their Agent Reps Course???
Its a bitter sweet moment for many reasons.
Almost 2 years ago, I started this course and then became lazy and didnt finish it. My ex was midly pissed off that he had paid for it and basically I did nothing with it.
Yes, I take ownership of my laziness and procrastination. He had every right to be frustrated and angry.
Anyway, after a year into my job, instead of studying this by correspondence because the first time around didnt work out, I spent a week at the REIV learning about a lot of stuff.
It was also the same week, that allowed me to realise that I could never go back to my ex, no matter how much I thought I loved him.
The course was heaps boring, i did make a friend or so i thought.
You know the type of person who befriends you because they need something from you and once they get what they wanted, you will never hear from them??
Well i met such a person. He was nice enough to chat to. Don't get me wrong, if it weren't for him, i would have had an excruciating week being bored to death. If it wasnt boredom- it was having to deal with a lot of stupid people ( yup, my elitism is coming out...but seriously there were some dumb people enrolled in the same course)
The irony was even though i helped him with the 3 assessments and checked his answers, he passed and i had to resubmit.
Yeah- go figure.
You're probably wondering what im talking about? When this "friend" needed to check answers, it meant me having to go out of my way to catch up with him in the city and when I needed help- it just wasnt really reciprocated.
Was i disappointed? Slightly, although the writing was on the wall and i knew from the very beginning that this would be the end result.
Sometimes, you just want to be wrong about a person.
Anyway, so now I can technically work at any real estate agency and sell homes if I wanted to.
I'm proud of myself for obtaining this.
Its a shame I didnt achieve this 2 years ago but hey- sometimes things happen for a reason.
Just came back from watching "The Intern" starring Robert De Niro and Anne Hathaway.
Did I enjoy it? Sure- it was a heart warming movie about an old guy(Robert De Niro) who takes a job as an intern at a start-up internet company which is run by Anne Hathaway.
Some of the gags were LOL funny (very expected), some were just so so.
I was however disappointed with the ending. I wanted a little bit more- which I guess is a sign that the movie beginning and middle parts where good.
I just didnt feel satisfied.
I also hated the fact that Anne's character was forgiving of her cheating husband. Although the sentiment is realistic- even successful women don't want to die alone and still want to give our spouses are second shot especially when theres children involved.
BUT this is a movie- we all want to see this strong, extremely smart and successful women be able to turn around to her cheating spouse and tell him to f*ck off. That ita NOT acceptable for him to be running off with one of the mothers at your daughters school.
But the scriptwriters didnt choose that option.
I agree with Robert DeNiro's character- women should be able to have both a career and family life without the worry that the husband cant keep his penis in his pants.
But is Hollywood telling us that women who choose go have careers, successful ones too- should be accepting of the betrayal of one's spouse because we're scared to die alone, and so for fear of being "buried in the single persons section of the cemetary" we should be willing to compromise and forgive people who throw away our trust because of their own insecurities and inadequacies? Basically- the sanctity of marriage just goes out the door?
Yeah- i got that message loud and clear.
One thing though- we all need a Ben Wittaker (Robert's character) in our lives. I LOVE OLD SCHOOL GENTLEMEN.okay- maybe just me, I hope I meet someone like that ( not 70 years old but just old school sweetheart)..
We'll see.
Maybe Im old fashioned or just uptight...
Some of my friends are attending a house warming party and the hosts has requested cash instead of gifts for their new home.
Personally I think if your going to ask for other peoples cash, then you shouldnt hold a house warming.
I always thought that housewarmings were about you wanting to have people over to see your new home and that they get you a house related gift so you can furnish it.
Maybe its what people do in the 21st century. Im not too sure, i never got to host my own house warming. We lived in our newly purchased home for all of 3 weeks before my ex called it quits and I didnt have the willpower nor the mood to want to celebrate the next 4 weeks that I got live there.
Like my other posts, i dont think Ill ever be able to be able to buy my own home, so ill never be one to be able to experience my own house warming. Thats somewhat a sobering thought isnt it?
But if I ever do get to own my own place- would it be cash or gift?
Would would you do?
So I saw this on my newsfeed this morning on facebook.
It made me angry and disappointed.
I get that today's Public Holiday is kinda stupid because it's based on a football finals but to see businesses post this kinda thing up makes me....grr grr.
The type of businesses that would be open on a public holiday are usually retail and hospitalities type places: shops and cafes/restaurants.
Days like this means there should be an increase in patronage- like a weekend. And you have to pay penalty rates on weekends anyway. Increase in patronage should mean more profit. More profit means you should have the ability to pay your staff a little more because rates, rent, normal utilities pricing doesnt jack up on the one day that you would ordinarily open anyway.
You cant and shouldnt open a business if you are not willing to pay your staff the correct wages. If you whinge about penalty rates then you shouldnt be in business either because its the law, and frankly its something business owners need to have factored as part of their business plan. No business plan? Maybe dont start one- clearly you are not cut out for it.
Dont get me wrong, its annoying for businesses who ordinarily be trading today but are forced to close because they service a specifically industry and they are all on holidays. I.e cafes in the office area.
Loss of Friday trade is annoying.
I feel for you.
In saying all of this- you either shut shop and enjoy the melbourne sunshine and spend it with your family...or trade.
don't shut shop and be a whinge. Because all i see is some business owner whos greedy, who not willing to pay their staff proper wages.
Happy to bask in the profit but not willing to pay their staff.
And frankly if you run a business with such fine margins- GTFO. Clearly its not a great business that you have if you need to be bitter about it.
"Because of one persons haste decision, it has ramifications for everyone else."
My ex husbands decision to seperate meant that in that single moment, it unaligned me with everyone I knew.
You'll find with long term relationships or life in general that you make and keep friends that have the same interests/life goals as you.
For me, it was with women who working, in relationships (mostly engaged or recently married),buying homes and on the road of having babies.
That was our similarities.
Then overnight, all of a sudden... I became single. I was all of my friends "single friend" or more or less " the friend thats getting a divorce".
Im at that awkward phase where couples make me sad, talk of buying a house is so unrealistic because its seems so unachievable, babies will only happen via immaculate conception and the list goes on.
I can only look on and watch other peoples coupled happiness as they build their lives together whereby Im learning to gather my thoughts and feelings and picking up the pieces of my life from the ground again.
Its hard no doubt but what can I do? After all the trauma Im going through, these are the people I have who are supporting me through these tough times, so I need them and I cant expect that their lives go on halt whilst I figure myself out nor can I stop them from enjoying their lives and wanting to share that with me.
I also know, I need to build a new circle of single friends, maybe friends who now on the same life path as me. Not that Id be dismissing my current friends, no- they will forever be important but married people are forever limited to how much they can go out or do the thing that single people can do.
But if thats not achieveable because lets face it, i struggle at 31 to make new friends (will need another blog about this), i guess ill just have to outlive and outgrow the awkward phase and learn not to let everything I used to have and can't have anymore bother me so much.
Technology is so awesome! When I first started blogging 10 years ago, I would never have dreamt about using my mobile phone to type up each post but now, in 2015, here I am, lying in bed typing this thing up.
In the past, i found blogging to be a great release for me, thereaupetic even. But then it became such a burden because too many people had access to my blog and I felt restricted in what I could say and then trying to please everybody.
Now, i dont really care. This is just a mechanism for me to release whatever anger, concerns, thoughts I have.
If it helps anyone else who may have stumbled onto this blog then so be it.
I remember i used to get a lot of traffic but not many commenters and that used to frustrate the heck out of me... but then when people did comment, they only did so and were really negative. I dont take criticism all that well.
But it's part of the parcel right?
It's life, you cant be happy with everyones elses thoughts or beliefs. And it's human nature to only want to vent/lash out.
We are trolls in real life or behind the screen.
Bitches be real!
But here we are, we can troll from the comfort of our mobile phone!
Another day, another dollar. Pretty much something I usually say to my colleagues on a daily basis.
Interestingly, I wont have to go to work tomorrow because it's a Public Holiday.
Our government decided to give the state a public holiday in support of the AFL, well usually theres some boring parade that happens in the city which.... actually, I have no freakin idea as to the reasoning before because a parade shouldnt be that show stopping and the football finals is actually on a Saturday.
Regardless, its a day off so I cant complain.
Business owners are quite upset because they either shut shop or forced to pay thleir staff penalty rates for working on a normal Friday.
I have no plans for the weekend, originally I wanted to go to Sydney but that fell through because I couldnt convince anyone to go.
Then I figured Id randomly go to Adelaide but driving there would be too tiring on my own.
I even contemplated flying to Singapore. But my account balance doesnt agree on a very last minute trip.
And so- it came down to doing nothing.
In saying that, Grand Final weekends will and always be an emotional time for me. Something I cant share with the wolrd but just trying to live through these dark moments will be tough. I guess this is why I want to escape to anywhere but here.
Truth is- you can leave a city but the memories stay with you.
Its 3 days, and then it will be over.
Good news is that on Monday, I'll start my Mandarin Classes. I'm super excited!
