Life goals

Its been almost 6mths since our seperation, so I figured I should have an idea of what I want to do with my life.

Currently I'm slightly undecided on what to do because it's life and you cant predict life. Curveballs are constantly thrown my way- like the time, mum was diagnosed with leaukemia and I made a decision to quit my well paid job for a crappy admin job...

But I'm not one to not have plans, even if these plans dont come to fruition, it doesnt hurt to have goals to work towards.

So after 6mths- this is my train of thought:
1. I dont think kids are for me. However Im not completely ruling it out, I think because Im not in a relationship that Im not that interested. But no kids doesnt mean its the end of the world. It also means I live my life differently and also means Im in no rush to find a partner just because I fear id miss the boat as my eggs are ticking.

2. I love my job, i want to make it into a career. I know it means id have to go back to study but im not sure if im that committed to study yet. Im never been good with the whole concentration thing. I also figure ill bluff my way through to career advancement because of my experience and age but a Degree will also help me fast track it sooner rather than later.

First things first- ive enrolled into Mandarin classes. I just feel like learning something different. I dont know where it will take me or if Ill be any good at it.

Doing something different on my own is my first baby steps on my own.

If i can commit to Mandarin classes,ill enrol to one subject for a business degree.

3. I know im not ready to buy a house. Probably not for another 10 years or maybe never. Home ownership is a priority for many people but after being burnt with one house and always the worry about job security, im not sure if that's for me.

4. I want to travel, not just for holidays but for work and move out of home and move interstate(sydney). If the possibility is there, id work overseas. But this isnt for at least another 2 or 3 years away.

5. Im in no rush for a relationship. I know online dating isnt for me whether its those dating sites or timder type applications, the mind numbing convos get to me and they are super boring.

Relationships are hard work. I dont know if im ready for that yet.

Lets be realistic- where do you find an older emotionally aware rich guy?
Oooo i know- in my dreams

6. I need to fix my health situation. I eat poorly and I rarely exercise. In saying that, ive started walking at lunchtime with a colleague twice a week.

My eventual goal is to go to the gym twice a day and swimming at least once a week.

Goals right?

Lets see how I go in another 6 mths time.

Most days

Lets face it, not everyday will be a good day.
There are days when morale is pretty low.
It happens.
Its expected.

Divorces, are just breakups which happens to be more legally complicated.

But emotionally, its all the same. You will feel shit and sometimes worthless.

There are days, when I still wake up, 6 months on and find that it's an ongoing nightmare. I think I'm already emotionally spent, that I couldn't possibly hurt anymore or even want to miss someone who clearly abandoned me. It feels like it's the gift the just keeps on giving.

But through the sadness and the sorrow, there are days when its not so bad, that you can feel happiness and want to be happy.

In the beginning, hard days were more and happy days are rare and now with time, its starting to become the other way around.

Don't dismiss how you feel, just embrace it. Enjoy it, let yourself cry. I do.

One thing I've learnt is suppression of feeling doesn't help you move on but don't wallow in it.

And even if it's raining, eventually you will get sunshine...

Over sleeping

Not sure what got into me but I spent most of yesterday (being a Sunday) being in bed all day.

When I say in bed what I mean is, i slept. I woke up at 4pm.
I did a crazy 16hrs of sleep basically.

and still felt tired.
Needless to say, when it was time to actually go to bed. I was extremely exhausted.

*SIGH*

Lateness at a wedding

The invitation said 6.30pm.
People started rocking up at 8pm.

This is the usual occurrence at a vietnamese wedding.
The guests for whatever reason have no concept of:
-time
-etiquette

And frankly its rude and disrepectful to the couple and all the other guests who have managed to be there on time.

If people are going to be that late to a wedding, then they are better off not coming.
And who do they think they are to make everyone wait for them?
Its disgusting and tardy behaviour.

Its shameful and its been going on for qay too long.
Its time this behaviour is stamped out altogether.

Idiots r everywhere

I realize as Ive gotten older, and having after married into stupidity (thankfully I am now divorcing imbocile(s)), that I have really low tolerance for these kinds of people.

My ex husband would claim I would be a snob but frankly hes grown up with dumb and dumber so discriminating against these types of people would dismissing his whole entire existence.

Dont get me wrong, if you're ignorant because you just dont know or its not your field of expertise- im not hating on you.

But I do get terribly frustrated with people who should know better but don't because they cant use their brains.
For example:a person in accounts payable who pays an invoice that says $6k outstanding but pays out $30,000 because thats what the instruction sheet says but they couldnt find the $30k invoice so u know what- they figure they pay the next best invoice in the documentation without raising it with anyone.
When queried they make up some lame excuse as to justifying their existence.

Its not just stupidity but peoples works ethics or lack thereof.
A combination of the two make me wanna scream.

I know of someone who refused to work full time even though money was tight and gaining more employment would have helped their situation.
Oh wait- thats not work ethic, thats being lazy.

I dislike that too.

Needless to say, after being with someone for 5 years and having to put up with a lot of stupidity and not being able to voice your frustration but having to walk away asking yourself :" how the fk did you even make it this far in life", I have found that my tolerance levels with these types of people in general has diminished.

I know its something I need to work on... or maybe idiots just need to gtfo of my life and avoid me in all instances.

My cousins wedding

One of my cousins got married recently. It was a beautiful wedding....well based on the facebook photos.

The family were not invited to the civil ceremony and the dinner that followed afterwards at the winery.

The family have been invited seperately to another dinner event.

Apparently certain extended family members were upset that the familys traditional crap wasnt done first.

Firstly - i think this family member is an ass. It's not about you, it's about your cousin who got married. Why don't you use your thick head and ask yourself... gzz why was this event done separately or why did it happen to be before the family stuff?

It could be for a bunch of reasons like:
1. Maybe that day want auspicious.
2. Couldn't get the venue booked
3. Venue too small
4. Limited funds.

In fact, it doesn't matter... 2 people can do whatever the hell they want and you should just be happy about it, that your younger cousin is even getting married because they have found their happily ever after.

But no... its about them, how they feel  offended that the family wasnt put first. Offended that this cousin who got married had put her friends and immediate family first.

But im sorry, this is actually coming from another person who hasnt been around when times were tough, financially helped them out, or just been there.

I know they say that blood is thicker than water but when you have a lot of cousins because our ancestors and the like fked liked bunnies- at then end of the day- it will always boil down to...

"What have you done for me lately" famous words uttered by eddie murphy.

And I can seriously say the cousin that made this selfish observation has done nothing but be a judgemental bitch.

Yup i said it, thought it..

And i dont give a shit.

And this is why I dont attend all the other family functions.
Why should i waste my time on selfish people?

Sundays tarot reading

On sunday, i decided on a whim to get a reading- a tarot reading to be exact.

I know theres no science around it and that effectively we are responsible for our own fates and noone can really predict the future.
Its still interesting and for $30 bucks- im happy to give it a go.

So what was said?

1. The tarot cards picked up that my rship had ended.
2. I was going through a job promotion/job change and that this was happening.
3. Increase in money due to promotion
4. Holiday coming up for overseas
5.  Working Overseas work( in distant future)
6. Ill meet my new partner sometime after my promo but before i go oseas for work
7. Not to worry about money because cashflow is not an issue and money will somehow be there to fund my holidays etc. In fact she said there was an abundance of money around me...(personally i hope to win the lottery)
8. Id start/own my own business.
9. New partner met will lead onto marriage.
10. This new partner will be around my 32nd bday.
11. Conflict with a particular colleague and best to stay away and keep my mouth shut. She described the colleague who would give me issue...

And so- it does seem basic. Probably giving me false hope but hey-some of those things r correct, some of those things hasnt occurred.

And very broad and generic right?

Lets see if any of this comes true...some of which ill discuss as they occur/not occurred.

good thing is that the money goes towards animal rescue- so nog all bad if the reader got them all wrong.

We shall c....

Not a threat

It occurred to me ( after a boozy night out)... that there are some women who find me as a threat.

Even though i believe i am slightly over weight, not the prettiest and after being dumped- (it does get to you at some point.)

There are women out there who perceive me go have the ability to somehow steal their men from them.

It happened to me tonight- where i was talking to a guy who happened to be my fellow colleagues bf/partner (whatever) and she came over and got all possessive over him. You know the whole hand around his waist...

Frankly- im not interested with someone elses man and especially not someone I work with.

Either she was insecure or she thought i work my magic. Yeah right.

I might end up like this female colleague: 40+ with an equally old male partner...merely dating.

how awful.

Horrible Parking

Hi,
Is this you?
This has to be one of the most assh*le-y parking I have seen in a long time.

I came across this parker over the weekend and was just dumbfounded.

Nothing really comes to my mind other than "selfish".

And frankly- it's not even that "special" of a car to warrant crappy parking like that.

I can only shake my head

Linda

Parking ticket ripoff

I was at a function that happened to be in the city.

The parking ticket costs almost blew my mind

W T F?

Good thing- the costs is covered by work.

If this was a personal expense- I think I'd have to consider selling my kidneys...kidding!

Bathroom moment

It occurred to me whilst in the shower- (some of my best ideas/thoughts happen when I'm shampooing)... that it's okay for me to be single and be where I am emotionally and mentally.

I don't need to rush into anything.
It was a refreshing thought, although i've been saying this and thinking about it for some time.

What really did occur to me is that:

I needed to allow time to pass to allow me to heal/ be stronger /find my happiness or whatever it was.
Although I have felt ready for sometime and wanting to start the next chapter, it was that moment that I realized...

If the roles were reversed, as in- if I had met a guy(lets say in 2-3years time) and he had just ended a 5 year relationship with his gf/fiance/wife (lets hope not all 3 at once because aint nobody got time for a player) and started dating me like days/weeks or even months after it all happened, even I would hesitate to start a relationship because you know that it's because of time that allows you to emotionally seperate yourself from your past.

With this thought, i figured- how can I expect to be in another relationship so soon if I wouldnt accept it in someone else?

In saying that, this has happened to me once before. It was my ex husband who had put me in this predicament 5 years ago where he outrightly lied about when he was single. It came down to the question really...but ahhh semantics.
Reality was- he walked from one failed relationship into another relationship in a very short space of time.

The problem was- it was a year after we had been dating that this topic was ever raised. The lies really bothered me - and frankly the writing was on the wall back then too but I was too in love to see the problems.

But needless to say- this lightbulb moment for me, made me realized that I want to be able to enjoy my time alone. Single life isnt as bad as I used to fear it to be.

I needn't rush anything.

The next chapter of life- doesnt evolve around a guy.

In fact- its all about me.

The Hens

So about a week and half ago, I attended a Hens. which had a Play Boy Bunny theme. I was somewhat apprehensive in going mainly because I knew that a lot of the ladies that were attending were skinny asian women.

I am far from being a skinny asian woman. I'm very lucky that I happen to be 169cm tall which means when I top the scales at 79kgs. I don't look as obese as I feel. w In saying all of this- 10 years ago. I weighed a mere 55kgs. I'm not sure what the heck happened in those 10 years. Oh wait! I know- I ate a lot of food. Anyway- needless to say, I am slightly bigger than most of the typical asian woman who are usually size 6(or smaller). But in the end, I convinced that as much as I wasn't skinnier like the rest of them, why do I even care what they think? Even if I happened to be as skinny as them, would it matter? Actually it would matter because no matter how hard I try, I couldn't bring myself to be that hungry, I mean skinny. Clearly skinny genes have left my system and this is the body that I'm now blessed with. If I can't accept my body in its current state- who will?

Living with my ex-husband who always "encouraged" me to lose weight made me feel fat. But I've come to realize that in many ways- it was my ex-husband and my mother who started to make me feel incredibly insecure about my body. There is nothing wrong with being a size 14.

In saying that- there is something wrong about being lazy. If I was a fit size 14 body, I'd own it. In reality, I eat terribly(think Maccas for breakfast, KFC for dinner), I don't exercise. Therefore I am a walking timebomb. One day- I'll end up with either a stroke/heart attack.

I don't know if losing weight will be my goal but being healthy will be moving forward.

Which means, I need to cut down on my sugar/fat intake.

As a pledge to myself. I will cease to eat from fast food (maccas/kfc/red rooster/hungary jacks etc) and limit my coke intake to 1 can a week (preferably quitting altogether).

And I need to start exercising more. It's not a need. My body is desperate for this now.

If I lose weight, doing this. Great. If I don't- that's okay. At least I know I won't be conking out having a heart attack.

I have started this process already- the last 2 weeks, I've been snacking on carrots/celery/nuts instead of packets of chops *pats own shoulder*. And I'm starting to feel much better!

Anyway- back to the hens...

I don't know what my apprehension was all about. I think I held my own okay. Corsets do wonders! 

Fun fact: I ate so much (probably the party pies) that I popped one of the pins (you can't tell in the photos)

I had a lot of fun, although I was ready to hang my dancing shoes by 10pm.

Turnball Vs Abbott? Does anyone really care?

I used to be an avid politics fan. Yes- one of "those" people however the last couple of years, politics in Australia has become too much of a circus and frankly disappointing.

It seems to me that we haven't had much leadership going on and that's bad for the Australian economy.

It's not to say that Australian Politics hasn't been interesting, it has been. Obviously for all the wrong reasons. It has become more of a soap opera, less about policies that help govern this country.

But, we, the voting people only have ourselves to blame. 

In the past, we voted in a Labour Government which saw:

Mr. Kevin Rudd getting stabbed in the back by Ms. Julia Gillard (all for prime ministership) then Kevin Rudd pulling a swifty and getting back into the top job.

The country was outraged.

And now- with a Liberal Government in place, with Tony Abbott as Australia's Prime Minister, we now have Mr. Malcolm Turnbull challenging him to be the next Prime Minister.

I'm kind of sick of the constant fighting between the parties, whether external or the in fighting.

As a tax paying, voting citizen- I really just want someone who's able to govern this country and make some crucial decisions not just for today but also for the future.

Political parties should just sort themselves out and vote in someone who they believe they can stick it out for a FULL term, instead of wasting time/money/effort on changing their leaders just because a POLL/public sentiment have gone astray.

It seems these last couple of years- we've probably set Australia back by 50 years.

My thoughts on getting a Divorce

Hi,

My impending divorce won't be finalized until perhaps May 2016.
You need to be separated for at least 1 year before you can make the legal application to extricate yourself from each other.

I am now 5 months into this journey. For some people, divorce is imminent or that they saw it coming. At the time when my ex-husband made the decision- I didn't see it coming. But looking back, I can now see what I didn't want to see back then.

And that's the thing with divorces or break-ups in general. It doesn't just happen out of the blue.
Two people contribute to making it "not" work out. As much as it came as a shock/surprise and a lot of hurt- I knew even back then when I was crying those tears that at some point, I would be able to turn around and see it for what it really was.

We didn't have a great relationship and we didn't allow ourselves to make it work.

It's a shame because we spent a lot of money getting married, going on a honeymoon and buying a house.

If I had known what I know now and how my ex husband felt back then, we wouldn't have broken up a long time ago. But hindsight is a beautiful thing right? Only useful- after the fact.

Don't get me wrong. It hurt a lot.

Truth:

• The first week, I cried every day. I couldn't function. I couldn't even eat. In fact, I don't even remember whether or not I ate those days. 
• I cried every weekend for the first 2 months. I dreaded weekends the most because that's when I felt the most loneliest
• Going on dates did not help me at all. It just exacerbated the lonely feeling that I felt.
• I had a mental breakdown 6 weeks after it all happened. Receiving the legal documents hurt like hell. I laid in bed for 2 days and couldn't bring myself to move.
• I cannot bring myself to be "nice" to my ex and most of the time when he communicates anything to me, I will usually lash out and get nasty. Except the one time I was drunk and was nice. Yes go figure.

All I can say is that it's hard, really really hard.

And you can't expect it to be anything less. Especially when you've spent a considerable amount of time emotionally/financially/mentally invested with one person and then they call it quits. 

Time is needed just to process what just really happened before you even have time to process your next steps.

I know in the last 5 months, I haven't made a lot of great decisions (i.e deciding too early to meet new people) and there are going to be many more terrible decisions to be made along the way.

But that's life.... emotional decisions are never that great to begin with.

And whos' really there to judge? The friend who's happily married telling me what I'm doing is wrong? One what ground do they have to stand on to tell me what I can or can't do? 

And that's the thing I've found on my journey so far:

• Because of someone else's (i.e my ex husband) decision, all of a sudden, I am now out of step with my "circle" of friends. You know, our life goals all of a sudden have changed. They're all now married/engaged/babies whereas I am back to being single. 
• Hanging out with happily couples really suck
• As I'm getting older, my circle of friends is so limited and everyone I know all happened to be coupled up. Which means- even if I wanted to move forward into a new relationship, it almost feels impossible. Oh the despair!
• Your coupled/married friends are going to disapprove of your lifestyle and your lifestyle choices.

I haven't had to make many "lifestyle" choices because I haven't had the opportunity to go out much. Let's face it. 5 years in the wilderness (of being in a relationship) has distanced me from all that stuff that single people used to do.

And now at 31- I feel so old going to clubs/bars etc. because I happen to fall asleep at 9.30pm

The thought of going out and mingling really stresses me out.

My hat goes off to all the women who do.

But then it makes me think- do I really want to be in another relationship? I don't think I'm cut out for it. Am I having those thoughts because I'm emotionally scarred? I don't know.

And so- one of my girlfriends sent me this:

The question is: Do I? Do I want something that lasts forever?

Especially considering my "forever after" is now asking for a divorce? Will I ever be ready to share my heart, soul, money with another human being? Am I capable?

All I know is that these last 5 months have been nothing but a massive rollercoaster ride. There are some really bad days where you can't help the emotions- they creep out of nowhere and BAM, I'm pulling over to the side of the road so I can have a good cry.

Then there are days where I think- "I am the king of the world", I can do this. I am able to do this. This bitch has got this!

And something I've been telling myself since day 1- eventually- the rollercoaster ride will stop. I'll be able to get off the ride and will be able to look back and know that I survived.

Linda

My New beginnings

Hello,

This would now be my many new hellos with now my 4th blog with a new name, new site. It seems like I can't either get it right, can't get my blogging mojo going but hey...

Like everything else that's going on in my life. It's a fresh start.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

So this is me:

31, going through a divorce. Started a new career. Slightly overweight.

I make no promises other than to myself to blog regularly as possible. To vent our my frustration, to cry, to laugh, to be happy. I need this documented so I can remember- although the struggle is real, I am coping. I'll be fine.

Right now- life is tough.

I am emotionally drained. I've cried so many tears saying goodbye to a 4.5year relationship and a broken marriage.

I am physically tired because I eat poorly and I don't exercise

I am mentally burnt out- I do long hours in the office to distract myself from the emotional scars that I feel and the fact that I have no social life.

And so this is my journey....